Yesterday was -- 2 hours. Could not sleep for the whole night, fighting off a single thought. But I'm winning. Yesterday for the first time I've had most of my sanity back (whatever the hell that is). Yesterday I could talk for the most part with my coworkers without this same intrusion into my consciousness. I'm told that lack of sleep is an issue here, so it's sort of a catch-22.
The night prior to the above 2 hour thing, I had a 5 or 6 hour total (can't remember now) -- but only max of 3-4 hours contiguous sleep. Still, the normalcy is somewhat refreshing. This is the first time in quite some time that I have a clear train of thought at waking.
The clue that things were back is that I was remarkably functional on the two hours yesterday. It was pretty amazing. People that know me noticed that I was back to joking around a lot, which is pretty much the sound-track for my brain.
Perfect transition.
The problem with being a creative male on this planet is that you're (as a man), not supposed to have a lot of right-brained expression. You're not supposed to laugh a lot, or make a lot of creative output -- it makes people uncomfortable.
There are exceptions -- "The Artist", he's allowed to put up a painted picture of a naked woman on a cross, have a lot of people come around talking about how it does this or that on whatever of whatever snooty-nosed art dimension -- it's important though, that the guy that did the painting use a lot of BS technical terms and seem left-brained whilst describing it.
Another exception: "The Rock and Roller". This guy is allowed to do or say just about anything (not TOO feminine there! Watch that lisp!) -- for example, look at the cover of a half-indecent hair band album, and compare it to just about any commercial for women's makeup. The differences are stark, rather -- only one, and that's the gender of the photo subjects. Axel Rose can wear a skirt (okay, it's a kilt -- someone want to explain the difference?!?), he can cry, scream, talk about love, be creative, write music, do videos -- and attract women in the process! What a gig.
But try just being an average guy, walking into any situation and saying -- "I felt like crying when I watched the move "Hope Floats", it was so moving." -- and mean it. (FWIW, I loved the movie, and yes, I did cry). Forget it. You're not allowed. Too right brained there! WHOA, what are you thinking!?! -- That's a "chick flick". Try making pottery (I have a friend that does), or painting, sculpture -- writing kind of falls in there.
As a matter of fact, the whole creativity thing for people that aren't questioned as to their sexuality, boils down to painting murals on car hoods (hey, that might attract chicks baby!), and building custom cars/motorcycles. What -- you've made your own new clothing -- better watch that guy. FWIW, I did make my own clothing mods when I was in my early 20's. I couldn't really share the stuff with anyone except one or two of my close female friends. My father thought I was nuts at the time (I was having a blast, though, so it didn't matter to me).
Other stuff: I write. I'm a consummate practical joker and I've been known to write copy just to make people laugh upon occasion. It makes the guys very uncomfortable. They don't know what to say. It boils down to "That made me laugh, but there's something wrong with you, man." That's the stuff being said to my face -- the stuff behind my back is "That guy probably leans the wrong way -- he's probably one of those pinko, gay liberal types, and those pictures of his wife are obvious fakes..."
Except I'm happily married to a Goddess. She appreciates the creative side of me -- tempers it actually. She, a long time ago, for whatever reason, found that side of me to be a joy.
There's a lot of laughter in the Ferris household. When the skeptics like the above meet my wife (I've had multiple occasions of this, by the way, where people that wondered at my orientation, for lack of better words, met, finally the woman that is my better half) -- these people inevitably look completely bewildered. I'm sure the things being added to the list of stuff to hiss behind my back include the phrase "What the hell does she see in him!?!"
Our society is geared toward stomping out as much of the creative male as possible. It happens early -- Joey isn't allowed to have dolls, color the wrong things (Hey, watch too much color in general -- it's all gotta be blue or the color of GI-Joe's fatigues). He certainly better not have an expressive personality -- that is so "Queer-eye for the Straight Guy".
speaking of the show (never saw even one episode, along with thousands of other TV/Cable crap) -- I think the whole idea of what it stands for -- it's a cop-out. I think if a guy can't simply go to some of his favorite female friends and say "What do you think about this or that" fashion idea of the day, he's a completely repressed moronic ape that probably should simply not go out in public (it will save embarrassment). My wife happily gives me feedback on stuff. Some guys sense that there is a conflict of interest, in which case, they should use a friend or sister. The obvious conflict being that the wife may not want the husband to look good. Hello? You got a wife like that, it was probably a bad choice in the first place -- just some advice ;)
Speaking of which, I've never, ever, when buying clothing, _not_ been able to sincerely engage a female salesperson for advice. They will happily explain what's current, what looks good on you and so on if you're in a pinch. Oh, wait, though, you're a guy in our society. You're not supposed to be caring how you look. This is more than a pair of jeans and cowboy boots we're talking about here -- better shy away. God knows, maybe someone with a surveillance camera might share the footage with your drinking buds. Worse, those same buds might spot you at the local coffee shop wearing the stuff.
And this is just ... clothing ...
I didn't used to care much about clothing, but have been enjoying it more and more of late (See, maybe I need to listen to more Elton John records -- I'm beginning to tilt now, aren't I!?). Seriously -- it's simply something kind of fun. I understand the whole dressing up thing that Women do a lot more and it's kinda fun to go out feeling good about myself. But talking about it isn't allowed for heterosexuals. Saying it's fun -- well! -- That is off the charts.
Tell me, what's the difference between having a nice suit that you love to wear and a decently striped Mustang GT (besides the obvious 28k or so)? The first is ok to wear to weddings and funerals (unless you're in the sales/legal game, which is a different story). The second case of "dress-up" is a layer on top of your testosterone-charging stead. It's allowed, in other words, because nothing says "male" like a Mustang GT in America.
Oh, wait, I have a "yellow" one. Is that allowed?!? I love this car. Seriously, it's a bit much on the outrageous scale. It's impossible to miss, actually.
Well, I shouldn't say that. I was being followed a bit closely the other day by a couple of members of the opposite sex in a red LX convertible(those V6 Mustangs have a bit of trouble keeping up). I avoided getting rear-ended by pulling the car into the median at a red-light. Seems they were following closely and the person ahead of me stopped unexpectedly. What the heck they were doing following me so closely I'll never know...
Regardless, the yellow thing exhibits dismay in the guys. If it's a car, and it's not a ricer (the rules change there, big time, for the better), it better be:
- Black
- Gray
- Red
- Maybe white
- Black... yes, black is allowed.
Enough for now, I'm just ranting on some of the stupidity. You can see it, though, our society has obvious issues when it comes to males that allow more of the right-brained stuff to show through.
Just some thoughts. Talk soon,
--FeriCyde
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