Have returned to haunt me as usual.
There is speculation that the best of us are tested regularly by some kind of force outside of our control. I know in the mid 1990s, I had an experience with human evil. For an idea of what I'm referring to, read Scott Pecks' "The People of the Lie", which is about evil personality disorder.
The book has specific examples, and reading it I was able to plop the jigsaw pieces together that had been handed to me -- I was able to see that what I was dealing with was truly evil.
Fact is, I've had so many small and large experiences, like the pivotal movie scenes in my life that revolved around this kind of thing. I know in 2001, I had an
encounter that tested my morality big time. In the aforementioned time frame (not 2001), I was working with some people, and an evil was spending time tearing at the fabric of our social community. That evil, one person, spent time talking to people one on one, attempting to disperse philosophy. I should know, I spent a record 6 hours one time listening to persuasive (cough) argument about how it saw the world.
Or rather he.
No, I was right the first time.
Regardless, the evil, which I will simple refer to here as Lucifer, would regularly try to guide me in management decisions. I had been hired to take the place of another person who had failed to live up to expectations for the same job. The expectations he failed to live up to were Lucifers' -- I would follow in his footsteps. The fact that we failed to live up to this mans expectations I now hold as a medal of honor. Note; this individual and I remain friends to this day. He survived Lucifer as well.
It became apparent that I was overworked. One day, about a year before I left, Lucifer informed me that I was to get a needed assistant for my job. The assistant was to be trained in everything I did -- it was best for the company and for my continued success there. What was obvious to everyone, including me, was that I was simply going to be replaced in the same manner as before.
What was unknown to everyone was that I was in constant communication with a couple of job prospects at all times -- and I was ready to leave. Evil is a lot of things, but one of it's obvious drawbacks is how incredibly stupid it can be. In this case, an almost boring stupidity emerges; If you're going to F--- with someone, you can at least be creative, can't you? Not evil -- Lucifer came into my office one fine afternoon around 3:00 PM and made the announcement that I was to transfer (laterally) to another job, where I could do the company more good (right). I would, from there, be able to continue training my assistant to take over my job, whilst I settled into this other role.
Lucifer was used to people listening and nodding their heads like good little puppies, and I usually listened carefully (but had my own things to say, which confounded Lucifer -- I had a habit of diplomatic getting him to do the right thing -- I'm sure this is why I made the removal list in the long term). I always treated Lucifer with respect, as I was accountable through my boss to his expectations. He held all the cards from his point of view. He even stupidly mentioned company loyalty in his little speech and how the new job would be good for me as well.
I did and said something rather unexpected at that point. I looked him in the eye, and in my usual, non-passive gaze, said simply "Lucifer, this is one of the stupidest things you've ever done in my presence."
Kind of took him off guard. The next 4 hours were spent back-peddling, actually. The immediate change in my job was moved to a year down the road. I would possibly get a raise (right), and so on. What was most disturbing to him, from what I could tell, was that I simply didn't seem to care. This was obviously not the reaction he had expected. I suspect that he had hoped I would at least grovel (just a guess here). He didn't know that I was at that moment in time, mulling over two competing job offers for, on the inside, about a 30-40 percent raise in my pay. I was going to not just land on my feet, I was going to hit the ground running. I was happy.
Serene even.
This went down on a Thursday. The next day I came to work in a suit -- told my boss that I was taking the afternoon off. I was off to pick up the offer letters that I would use that weekend for my decision to leave. He could see something was up. Actually, I think he knew it was going to get bumpy. And it did -- for everyone but me. Like being in the calm, center part of a hurricane, I watched as peoples lives around me were affected while I casually moved from one job to another. That center never left me, and I attribute God to being there to see me through what was potentially one of the most evil career experiences I've ever been a part of.
It wasn't all easy, but I've always looked back at the "coincidences" that happened during that time with awe. Some of the unwritten ones cannot be described as accidental -- they were not my work. There's no way I could have planned some of the things.
I don't know why these things happen, but they do. To discount them as accidents or trivialities is on a woeful scale of stupidity and simply wrong. Looking in, I'm sure you're thinking that maybe I'm just tainted by religious upbringing or assigning to malice what can be explained through ignorance.
And that's ok. But for me -- I was there. The experience was for me, and about 200 other people, evil. My story (and this event) is one of thousands of incidents that occurred at this same location. From time to time, I communicate with the survivors -- we all know. It was evil.
I know the bastard Lucifer was after me. I know who he was working for. Didn't work then, won't work now.
He's tried a few times in my life. Each time the circumstances are different, but the players have a remarkable similarity. Like rust on my soul, the attempts to cut me down have slowly begun to wear my tolerance thin.
He goes for the weakest points too. Like any fight, he strikes his enemy where the pain will be highest, hoping for some point of collapse. I see this now, more clearly than ever.
I'll close with a harbinger; I intend to talk about depression in this blog. Specifically, I intend to address my recent depression. Like the rust upon my soul, through it and other gut-wrenching sadness, I wear thin. Possibly with some discussion of the malady, I can at least begin to understand myself.
How exciting.
I've been battling depression now for some time. It's not clinical, but partial and related to experiences like the above, to evil. My mind drifts back, often, to a childhood friend who recently took his life. A friend of mine that I should have visited more often, who I'll refer to as Mark (because that's his given, like me, Biblical name). Mark died of a self-inflicted gunshot would to the head about 3 years ago.
No, I'm not following Mark, but you need to know that his story is rough. I'm going to cover some aspects of it here over the next few days. I don't know every place this diary is headed, but you need to be warned.
I cannot speak of all of the aspects of the evil that haunts me today, as a lot of it is personal and impacts the lives of not just myself, but others and that would be seriously impersonal and irresponsible -- I'm only going to give you enough of the picture to understand.
FeriCyde chat is about to get kind of dark. So hold onto your hats, because Linux Disney Land is probably going bye-bye for a bit.
--FeriCyde
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